All About That Book

July 7, 2015 by Shelly Richardson 4 Comments

 

It has been months since I have visited this place. And it feels strange and wrong and right all at the same time to be here again. I know the reasons why I stayed away and I want to write them all out, in fact the words spin in my head so fast it’s hard to even string a sentence together. With every word I type, my thoughts run wild and chase down rabbit trails and before long I am spinning around trying to find the way back to where I started. It’s maddening, but it’s time to wrangle those thoughts, string together sentences and find my way back. So here goes…

It was all about that book.

It was a simple request from a well known publisher and with a slip of a finger I sat waiting for a book to arrive in my mailbox. An advance copy to read and review. I did not know the author. I knew nothing about the book. But with a cute cover and a description that seemed to tie up my life in a pretty little bow I thought, “why not?”

I thought why not when I should have been thinking why, because what followed next was not pretty. I didn’t expect to find the ugly that was me.

I was excited to crack open the book and begin reading. Within the first pages of this book I felt it, a tugging on my heart. I shut the book and walked away. But I had made a commitment.

To. A. Publisher.

And this felt huge, so I returned to the book a few days later. I tried reading, but with each turn of the page that tugging on my heart grew stronger. This was not a good tugging. No. It was the Holy spirit kind of tugging that tells you to walk away. That where this is headed is dangerous territory.

But one could argue that I am stubborn, I don’t always listen when I should. This was one of those times. Because here’s the thing, I wanted to read that book. I wanted to read it and love it and write a glowing review.

I wanted to fit in. Even though I did not know the author, I knew the circles this author was in and I wanted in too.

I did what any sane person would do, I dug in deep. I pulled out the big guns… my highlighters and journals, I emailed the publisher with my concerns and I may or may not have stalked the author on all the social media. Did I say a sane person? Yeah, I might have exaggerated that a little.

I feverishly read and highlighted and underlined and wrote in the margins. I dog eared pages and made notes in my journal. I was standing on the edge with this author.

Word after word, page after page, I was pleading with the author to change. Not for their sake, but for mine. I wanted them to turn this book around. You see this was not a theological book, but a light hearted writing. It was meant to be encouraging and humorous. Yet, in the attempt, it crossed the line. It seemed to use that grace covers all kind of faith, you know the it’s ok to do, say, be whatever because God forgives.

Because God forgives.

Does He? Does He say it’s okay to make references that could be considered blasphemous? Did He say it is ok to liken ourselves so much to the world, that those around us would never see the light of Jesus?

I was standing on that edge not far from jumping because again I wanted to write that review. Because honestly, I kind of love the author, who is bold and unafraid and supportive of things I am passionate about. And also because some other writers/authors I respect were all high fives and this book is awesome.

I questioned what I believed. Was I too strict or legalistic? Was I being self righteous and judgmental? I was frustrated and confused, this was a simple book review, why all of this madness? Then I did something really crazy. I prayed.

I did. Really. I prayed. I prayed for the courage to write an honest review. I prayed for wisdom in knowing what I believe. I prayed for the ability to not show judgment. I prayed for a way out.

And God did as God does. He showed me that plank in my eye.

I was making everything about that book. When everything should have been about the Book. Because if I had been reading the Book, you know God’s book, I would never have fallen so deep into this deluge of uncertainty.

 

He showed me that wanting to “fit in” is not what He wants from me. He wants my heart. He wants it whole and pure and willing to stand firm on what I believe even it it means walking a different path. I lost my courage to do just that. Stand firm when others were pushing the limits.

It is easy to justify the things we do, say, watch with grace. Because we are not covered by the law anymore, but by grace. But this does not give us permission to live our lives carelessly. We are called to live a life apart. We are called to love, but not to ignore.

As Casting Crowns so poetically say it, It’s a slow fade.

Be careful little eyes what you see
Its the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings

Be careful little feet where you go
For its the little feet behind you
That are sure to follow

Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

 

God showed me that wanting to “fit in” was placing the world as my audience. He is my audience. He gives me the words that I write in this space and they are for His glory. He orchestrates the stories and the words and those He brings to join the audience. It is all His.

 

 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
Philippians 4:8