We sat on the edge of that bed… him telling me of the day, the latest ventures, the companies they have met. His words were all blurry to me, but I could see it with clarity. It was right there in his words shining like a neon sign… I am angry with God.
I am angry with God. I am angry with God. I. Am. Angry. With. God. The words repeat. Slowing in my head as they seep in with a sting like salt on an open wound. I feel the stitches of closed wounds breaking open. Years of wounds that were soothed and were healing. They are breaking open.
The anger unleashes. It’s hot and wild. And I cannot contain it. I cry out to Him… How did I get here? How did we get here? Weren’t we great together? Weren’t we? I mean, this past year spent in bed, You were there in my bedroom window. Remember the one? Where treetops touch sky? And You paint with broad strokes? Compose symphonies just for me? We were tight, weren’t we? Finger crossed tight?
What happened to us?
The neon sign flickers, and the mind tells lies and my heart is believing. He broke my trust. He took my dad without telling me. He took him without me being there. He took my heart right out of my chest as my insides spilled. And we are done. Its time for me to go now. Because that is what I do. I run. I always run.
His words still blurry, how long have we been sitting here? His eyes meet mine and he knows I am not there. And I say it out loud. I am angry with God. The words echo. And I’m scared. What if I am never able forgive? Because this was a deal breaker. He new it was a deal breaker. He knows all. Isn’t this what the bible says?
And it rains. Tears falling hard. And I am running.
And God whispers…
I am right here.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.