Beyond Borders

courage. faith. action.

Thirty-One Days Walking Through Darkness Day Twelve :: The Neon Sign Flickers

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20121013-004702.jpgWe sat on the edge of that bed… him telling me of the day, the latest ventures, the companies they have met. His words were all blurry to me, but I could see it with clarity. It was right there in his words shining like a neon sign… I am angry with God.

I am angry with God. I am angry with God. I. Am. Angry. With. God. The words repeat. Slowing in my head as they seep in with a sting like salt on an open wound. I feel the stitches of closed wounds breaking open. Years of wounds that were soothed and were healing. They are breaking open.

The anger unleashes. It’s hot and wild. And I cannot contain it. I cry out to Him… How did I get here? How did we get here? Weren’t we great together? Weren’t we? I mean, this past year spent in bed, You were there in my bedroom window. Remember the one? Where treetops touch sky? And You paint with broad strokes? Compose symphonies just for me? We were tight, weren’t we? Finger crossed tight?

What happened to us?

The neon sign flickers, and the mind tells lies and my heart is believing. He broke my trust. He took my dad without telling me. He took him without me being there. He took my heart right out of my chest as my insides spilled. And we are done. Its time for me to go now. Because that is what I do. I run. I always run.

His words still blurry, how long have we been sitting here? His eyes meet mine and he knows I am not there. And I say it out loud. I am angry with God. The words echo. And I’m scared. What if I am never able forgive? Because this was a deal breaker. He new it was a deal breaker. He knows all. Isn’t this what the bible says?

And it rains. Tears falling hard. And I am running.

And God whispers…
I’m here.
I am right here.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Isaiah 43:2

Author: Shelly Richardson

A stay at home mom, married to my best friend, who loves like Jesus. Together we have four beautiful daughters. One biological, one adopted and two by way of marriage. Our 12 year old daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when she was 6 years old and our youngest was diagnosed with autism at 3 years old. I have dealt with chronic illness most of my life and at times has been debilitating. It is through this illness and the special needs of our children that drew us closer to God. Beyond Borders is the place where I write out my story of living beyond my borders. A place to share of God’s love and grace, His mercy and sovereignty, and what that looks like in my own little world of chronic illness and autism. A place where courage and faith intersect and He moves me to action. My hope in writing is that you find something that inspires you. Encourages you. Makes you smile.

One thought on “Thirty-One Days Walking Through Darkness Day Twelve :: The Neon Sign Flickers

  1. Pingback: Thirty-one Days Walking Through Dark « Beyond Borders

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