Beyond Borders

courage. faith. action.

Thirty-one Days Walking through Darkness Day two :: The Slide


That last week? He stopped me cold. As if the ground I was standing on was made of ice, with its steely fingers wrapped around my ankles. The cold rising with his words. I hear its crackling as it covers my limbs. I am watching his eyes. I am frozen.

“I have only one working artery and it is 95% blocked. Should I have the heart cath done? I guess I really don’t have a choice?” His shoulders shrug. Head tilted to the side. His lips drawn back tight. But his eyes. Its in his eyes. They are tired. And I see it. And I want to run. And stay. My lips part and I believe I am speaking… do I have a voice?

For years I knew he was dying. For years he held on, beating odds, surprising doctors. Surprising me. He was a walking miracle. Beating cancer. Living with blood sugar level upwards of 200. Daily. A heart pumping at less than 25 %, filled with so much metal mesh, you could almost call it artificial. And it gets worse. His lungs didn’t absorb oxygen. His kidneys were not cleaning they way they should. He was anemic at deathly levels every few months. He could barely walk. His memory failing. His hands shook that he could not even feed himself. His body was failing him every single day. Yet he held on.

My eyes searching the room, my heart searching for answers. Words fill the air, stealing the oxygen… End of life… Power of attorney… Daddy let me do that for you. My sister spooning a bite of chocolate ice cream. Where is the oxygen?

The kids are hungry. The room crowded. We are saying goodbyes. I want to stay. I need to stay. My heart knows…

I lean and kiss his forehead. I love you daddy. I will see you tomorrow.

God are you there?

I’m here. I am right here.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Isaiah 43:2

Author: Shelly Richardson

A stay at home mom, married to my best friend, who loves like Jesus. Together we have four beautiful daughters. One biological, one adopted and two by way of marriage. Our 12 year old daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when she was 6 years old and our youngest was diagnosed with autism at 3 years old. I have dealt with chronic illness most of my life and at times has been debilitating. It is through this illness and the special needs of our children that drew us closer to God. Beyond Borders is the place where I write out my story of living beyond my borders. A place to share of God’s love and grace, His mercy and sovereignty, and what that looks like in my own little world of chronic illness and autism. A place where courage and faith intersect and He moves me to action. My hope in writing is that you find something that inspires you. Encourages you. Makes you smile.

4 thoughts on “Thirty-one Days Walking through Darkness Day two :: The Slide

  1. Pingback: Thirty-one Days Walking Through Dark « Beyond Borders

  2. Oh for the chance to say good-bye. What a blessing.

  3. My heart aches for knowing how difficult that had to be for you, Shelly. But He was there, He was there.

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