I began this month participating in the 31 day series, but my world stopped spinning. I was stuck. My dad went in the hospital. The baby we have had for 6 months, the one we hope to adopt, the one I am not allowed to talk about. The court date was approaching fast and everything had changed. I began reading our 31 dayers series, receiving devotions and articles, they all had the same them. God is always with us, He is in control, even in the hard. I tried pulling myself together and keep moving. Then I got the call eight days ago. My dad was not going to make it. I was able to spend the day at the hospital with him. I was by his side with my family during what we thought were his last moments. He pulled through. The nurses and doctors were amazed. No one could understand why he was still here. We were encouraged to eat and rest while he was stable. But developed a migraine, I have suffered these for years, spent months at a time in bed with them. But in recent months they had subsided.
Then on this day. My daddy’s last day. I get a debilitating one. The kind where I can’t stand or even see beyond the length of my arm. I am so weak I can barely make it too the car. I was determined to make it back to the hospital, I just needed to get through the rough part. I came home and treated my migraine the best I knew how. I prepared a bag with everything I would need to get me through if the migraine should come back in full force. I called the hospital and my dad was stable. I was going back to spend what might be my daddy’s Last day on earth. While loading the car I received the call, “Shelly tell daddy you love him.” and just four minutes later “tell him goodbye, Shelly, tell him goodbye” I cried through the phone,” daddy I love you. Always. Goodbye daddy” then I hear the words “he is gone.” And there I am stuck. I was supposed to be there for him. With him. Just as he was always there for me.
I know I was right where God wanted me to be, he was in control that day, as He is everyday. But I’m still stuck. I remember the words of the nurse I was walking out the door “God never gives us more than we can handle.” I agreed with her thinking she was referring to my dad. But her words were not meant for my dad, they were meant for me. God knew I could not be there in person in that final moment of breath, as my daddy flew home to be with Jesus. As much as I wanted to see him go, God knew it was more than I could handle.
I am trying to understand. Why could I not be there? Why did I let the migraine beat me on this day, his last day? I know God is sovereign and He is good and loves me with a fervent love. He was in control that day, but it is taking me some time to process. I feel Him with me, and I know His love will carry me through. I also know I may not get answers to my questions until that day that we will know all. In the mean time, I know I can question, and I can be stuck because His grace is covering me. All we be used for good. I am praying for His peace for the strength to move on. And it will come.
To read what I did write for the 31 day series click on the 31 one days page